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Stop saying `all the men are the same` who told you to try them all..WHORE!!?¿
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."