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Smooth move.........ExLax
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
Gym Update: Not there.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?