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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?
Technically, every picture is a before picture.