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I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late