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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that`s okay with you guys?
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.