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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.