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Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.
Went to Walmart yesterday and bought me a new toilet brush, I think I am gonna go back to using paper, it is much more gentle on the netherlands........