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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.
I would order delivery more often, but I just can`t stand lowering the drawbridge.
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.