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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."