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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling