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If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
Facebook: Proving that just because you have an opinion doesn`t mean you should share it.
I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
I don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
A man is as faithful as his options
Sometimes, I`m offended at how easily offended some people get.
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.