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real eyes realize real lies
If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
It has been brought to my attention that those stick figure decals on vehicles are not "kill" scores, but actually suppose to represent members of the family. I will be removing all my decals to avoid any further confusion.
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
´s status message is better than yours
Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.