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One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
I get as much action as a white crayon.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"