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3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Soup of the day: Tequila.
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".