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I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.