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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.