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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
The word bed looks like a bed.
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*