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"F@ck It" has gotten me through a lot of situations.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
Find someone you`re good at.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.