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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.