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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.