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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
One man`s sarcastic answer, is another man`s stupid question
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.