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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
Today is opposite day. Wait...if today is opposite day and I say that it is opposite day that means today isn`t opposite day. If it isn`t opposite day then how cAn I say today is opposite dAy? I`m so confused -.-
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.