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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.