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It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
EVERY Friday is good in my book!
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?