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I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
All milk is breast milk.
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
Real friends show me their boobs
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
Girls just wanna have funds.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
is sick and tired and tired of being sick and sick of being tired!