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I`m not mature enough to be in a yoga class.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.