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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.