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Give Me A Minute While I Pretend To Care!
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.