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Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
is spending my children´s inheritance.
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
The color 9 is my favorite letter.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.