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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
I hate when Iām about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
I still dunno why they say cats have 9 lives. My cat only eats & sleeps all day long. It has no life at all!
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.