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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.