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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.