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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.