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It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!