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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
Seems like 2013 was just yesterday.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.