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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
Is it sexual harasment to say ho ho ho to a female coworker?
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?