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I am creating the first ever "flavored windows". They should make some of you very happy.
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
i wonder if fish get thirsty .
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.
Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness