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"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."