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Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
I`m great in bed" ~ breakfast
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
So... Where does one obtain minions?