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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
Is Nudeism a religion?
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.