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Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day