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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
is frickin awesome! Nough Said.
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.