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Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.