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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
I drink coffee for your protection.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.