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Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
Why isn`t Hungary`s capital city called "Very"
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?