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I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
great minds and dirty minds have something in common, they think alike
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
Why can`t everyday be football Sunday?
Very little scares me. So does very big.
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.