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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
When do you take 5 hr energy? Right when I get off work ..12am!..beer here I come!
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.