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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!