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It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
drinking while working out...it`s called Bacardio
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.