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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
There`s no WE in pizza.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.