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A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
Yeah he`s still bugging me...he thinks Harass is two words.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?