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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
Hurricanes, Fires,Tiger running loose ... Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.