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You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
Would you like to save money on your car insurance? Walk ... Just sayin
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
It`s all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it`s voodoo dolls and arson reports.
I hate fake people...especially the ones at the mall advertising clothes in front of the stores
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.