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I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
they say there`s love in every corner....gosh I think I`m moving in circles
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them