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Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
Find someone you`re good at.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.