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So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.