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Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.