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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode