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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
Oh and BTW,,, Why haven`t Pig Pen`s parents been visited by child services yet?
This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she’s made some serious mistakes in her past…
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.