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If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.