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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
I hate when Iām comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
Hold boobs not grudges.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?