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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.