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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
You might call it lazy ... I call it selective participation.
I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!