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Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
I have been delaying my computer updates an hour for the past 3 years.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment