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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
How long does it take to get obsessed?