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Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
No great story started with someone drinking water.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.