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A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
Three weeks without a signal typo!
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.