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ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
I`m sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can`t I do the same for Easter!!!??
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Defeat....the feeling you get when you realize the "next" level is just as hard......
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.