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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
Workout Journal Day #5: Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
Real friends show me their boobs
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.