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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
What a terrible day. I`m going to drive through puddles & splash pedestrians to make myself feel better,
I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..