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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
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Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Step aside coffee, this job is going to take hard liquor.
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`