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It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, scratch between my butt cheeks....I`m in public.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
Driving a Dodge doesn`t automatically make you a defensive driver.
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.