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Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)