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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
roses are red violets are blue da shit in my back yard looks jus like you
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!