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Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
I`m getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Three weeks without a signal typo!
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.