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I just saw someone by themselves not looking at a phone. Hope they`re ok.
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?