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Ever had sex while camping!? It`s intents!
I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
I may look calm, but in my head I´ve punched you in the face 3 times already!
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!