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Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
I never finish anyth...............
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.