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I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.
You know that old saying? If you seen one woman naked. You want to see all women naked.
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.