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If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
is spending my children´s inheritance.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…