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Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
Imagine if someone`s name was Gurt. You`d be all "yo gurt!" .. funny? no? Ok (._.)
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen