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Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!