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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
I BRIEFLY had an urge to clean ... but that lasted only 5 minutes .. whew! That was close! Lol
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
Anybody else have that annoying problem of Work and Family interfering with your FaceBook time?
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.