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You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I`m not excited about finding change on the ground.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.