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I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
I have a black belt in leather
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.