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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
Copy this and paste it in your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone.. If you don´t know anyone, or even if you´ve heard of someone who doesn´t know anyone, then do still copy this. It´s important to spread the message. Oh and the hearts ? ? ? ? For crap´s sake, don´t forget the hearts! ? ? ? ?
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.