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Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
is clapping his hands and stomping his feet because he is happy and he knows it.
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.