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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
??q? uo p??oq??? ? ?nq i ??i? ?s?? ??? si si??
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?