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3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know Iām delicious but damn.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
Good morning friends ā¦ Wait ā¦ what the hell m I doing up this early?
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)
For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.