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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I wish I had Dora`s mom and dad, they let that girl go everywhere.