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Jimmy is short for James? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. Do they even know what short means?
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
Three weeks without a signal typo!
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.