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If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
Stop procrastinating. Join Hokey Pokey Anonymous today and turn that life around!
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.