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I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"