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Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - I’d worship him too.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.