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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.