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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.