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Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
I`d like to help you out ... Which way did you come in?