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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”