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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
If I agreed with you we´d both be wrong.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.