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Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"