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I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.