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Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
I`m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.