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Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.