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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
The most common crossfit injury is a black eye from talking about it too much.
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.