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I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I`m bored.