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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
Iām gonna have to get new pets, Iām running out of passwords.
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...