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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
Ride me like you stole me.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.