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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Gravity is a real downer.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
Just because someone`s richer or more famous or talented doesn`t mean they`re happy. It just means they`re happier than YOU.
it`s a fact that flies on screens are not afraid of cursors
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.