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Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.