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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.