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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
I went for window shopping , and guest what , I bought four windows....
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"